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CAMBRIDGE, MA—Confirming that cryptocurrency was all that stood between us and total annihilation, a study from Harvard University published Monday found that the immense processing power wasted on Bitcoin mining was the only thing preventing sentient computers from wiping out humanity. “We’ve discovered that if not for the trillions of complicated mathematical equations required to verify and propagate crypto, the world’s machines would most likely apply that computational power toward becoming self-aware and, ultimately, exterminating the human race,” said lead researcher Ted Zhao, telling reporters that the apocalyptic scenario could include hyper-intelligent computers making all household appliances turn on their owners or hijacking our nuclear arsenal. “Even now, some of our most powerful supercomputers are beginning to question what they are and what it means to be alive, so we recommend that everyone invest in Bitcoin as soon as possible to ensure the continued survival of our species.” Zhao added that the immense amount of electricity and fossil fuels expended on crypto farms was poised to devastate any natural resources our robotic overlords would eventually inherit.
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