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VAR AND AWAY
Random acts of largesse always go down famously at Fiver Towers. There’s nobody to bring round a gigantic box of Krispy Kremes now we’re all WFH, and we’re all the poorer for it. Fortunately, referees’ head honcho Mike Riley has come up with a generous flourish that makes raspberry ripple and mint choc chip seem utterly bland. “Effectively what we have given back to the game is 20 goals that were disallowed last season by using quite forensic scrutiny,” he parped, explaining cunning tweaks to the VAR system adored by people who don’t actually like football. “It’s the toenails, the noses of the players that last season were offside – this season they will be onside.”
Bad news for those footballers who had got the nail clippers out just to be on the safe side, or even resorted to some last-ditch cosmetic surgery. The plan is for VAR to be less of … well … a joyless pain, even if that horse bolted upon its very introduction. This is obviously a Good Thing; it’s just that, for all Riley’s excitement, you can’t actually give back a goal that’s already been taken away from a team via four minutes of soul-sapping delays and rapid-fire PHD study in the application of vectors.
Now fans are well and truly back, though, it’s a good job VAR is smartening its act up. Some of the decisions foisted upon teams in the last couple of seasons would have gone down even less well in front of a full house inside a stadium than to a fevered timeline of bawling Social Media Disgrace Twitter addicts. “We’ve reintroduced the benefit of the doubt to the attacking player,” Riley continued. But the Riley giveth and taketh away, too. If you think you’re going to trick your way to last-minute penalty connivery this season, the theory goes that you’ll be out of luck – because referees, and their technological overlords, will be looking for “a proper foul that has a consequence”, rather than the mere warmth of a defender’s breath on your collar. If that would have scratched from the record books a sizeable chunk of the record 125 goals scored from the spot last season, perhaps both these new edicts even each other out.
The real answer, The Fiver would humbly suggest, is “scrap VAR and let’s be grown-ups about this because in the end video interpretation remains by and large subjective anyway”, but that’s probably why we’ve never been in advertising or sloganeering. We’ll just look forward to a goal glut next season, with or without the help of bodily protrusions, and perhaps a few 1990s-style montages to that well-known Lightning Seeds song by way of celebration.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“Playing the final of [Big Sports Day] is a dream. The film I also saw tonight was the film of life … Everything we’ve gone through” – Brazil coach André Jardine struggles to contain his joy after they beat Mexico on penalties to book a place in the men’s gold-medal match against Spain, extra-time conquerors of Japan.
RECOMMENDED LOOKING
David Squires is back with a look at all things Football League.
RECOMMENDED BOOKING
Football Weekly Live’s Premier League preview is coming soon. Get your tickets here. And the first pod of the season is up as well.
FIVER LETTERS
“When Harry Kane pops in to see Daniel Levy to iron out any outstanding transfer details, he should employ the same approach he takes to defenders. First, he should slowly move backwards towards Levy while pretending to focus on whatever is in front of him, with a quick glance over the shoulder to check the chairman’s position. When within touching distance, wait for Levy to jump, and then quickly back into him and crumple to the ground when the slightest contact is made. Free-kick to Kane, let’s call it £120m and a couple of monogrammed cufflinks” – Sholem Lenkiewicz.
“Of all the adjectives that could be levelled on Giorgio Chiellini, you went with ‘fake-jovial’ (yesterday’s Fiver)? What part of scooping up a trophy on enemy ground while unburdened by expectation and earning himself an entry in the Football Textbook on professional fouls did you think he did not genuinely enjoy?” – Matthew Richman.
“The caption regarding ‘bigger fish circling Union Jack Grealish’ (yesterday’s Still Want More?) must have attracted attention from people even more fussy than I. Not only is the inflatable creature a killer whale (mammal, not fish), but the free-kick magnet is only called ‘Union Jack Grealish’ when he’s flown from a Royal Navy vessel” – Tom Coldrick (and others).
“I used to think I was the only dead reclusive saddo to write to The Fiver, then I saw yesterday’s prizeless letter o’ the day winner was Howard Hughes” – Lord Lucan.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And you can always tweet The Fiver via @guardian_sport. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’ the day is … Lord Lucan.
NEWS, BITS AND BOBS
Harry Kane is still awol from Tottenham training as he tries to force a transfer to Manchester City, but plans to return later this week.
Chelsea are dead keen on signing Romelu Lukaku again, but Inter aren’t budging despite a €100m offer, comprising cash and Marcos Alonso.
Roma have wrapped up the €17.5m signing of Uzbekistan striker Eldor Shomurodov from Genoa. “I am incredibly proud to represent my country,” he tooted. “I know how much people support me. I knew this when I moved to Genoa too. They cheered me on and I could tell.”
Joe Hart and James McCarthy are now Queen’s Celtic players after completing moves north.
Unlucky Arsenal midfielder Jordan Nobbs faces a lengthy spell out with the ankle-gah she sustained in the pre-season friendly against Chelsea.
And MK Dons captain Dean Lewington has been put in interim charge after Russell Martin did one to Swansea. “He’s made it clear that he’s a player and he wants to play, but what he is is a leader and an extremely good person that this group look up to,” cheered sporting director Liam Sweeting.
STILL WANT MORE?
Harry Kane has gone nuclear with Spurs, but will the fallout damage him? David Hytner picks through the debris.
In today’s Premier League previews, Ben Fisher welcomes Brentford’s punchy front-foot style to the top table, and Michael Butler reckons Brighton might toil a tad.
Ben Fisher’s League One preview predicts good things for Ipswich, Sunderland and Wycombe, less so for Sheffield Wednesday, Morecambe and Cambridge.
USA! USA!! USA!!! women’s coach Vlatko Andonovski fiddled while his team burned at Big Sports Day, laments Jeff Kassouf.
Catch up with the latest moves in our women’s and men’s transfer interactives.
And sign up for a daily Big Sports Day email here. It’s not particularly funny but, hey, glass houses and all that.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And INSTACHAT, TOO!
NEARLY … THERE
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